“What had shame gotten me? Shame doesn’t course-correct or compel folks to make better choices. Shame is a liar, a thief, a murderer of dreams and vision. It is a manipulator.” Tanya Denise Fields
Understanding Shame: It’s Definition and Impact on our Lives
Brené Brown defines shame as “ the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.” I’ve been thinking a lot about shame lately. About what it feels like. What it does to my body, my mind, my self-esteem and self-worth. How it’s impacted the decisions I’ve made in my life. This past week, I was rewatching a movie, Moonlight. The movie, which debuted in 2016, tells the story of the childhood, adolescence and adulthood of Chiron, a black man born and raised in the difficult neighborhoods of Miami, who struggles to find his place in the world. In my favorite scene, Juan was telling Chiron a story about why an older lady gave him a new name (Blue) with a rationale of “Black boys look blue in Moonlight as to why she gave him the name.
When Chiron asked him, “So your name Blue” he responded “Nah…At some point, you gotta decide for yourself who you gonna be. Can’t let nobody make that decision for you.”
These words have always been powerful in confronting the influence of shame. It’s funny how you can watch, read, or hear something in different seasons of your life and “it just hits different”. Just as Juan had to decide who he wanted to be despite the name ‘Blue,’ I too found myself grappling with my own journey of self-discovery in the face of shame. In the past, Juan’s words gave me courage when I made the decision to invite my mom in and tell her I was Queer. They helped me when I recently decided to leave a job and career field that I loved, thought I’d be in until I retired, but that was draining me and had me bound in more ways than one. But when I heard these words this past week, the “nobody” that I’m not supposed to let make the decision for wasn’t a person or people—it was shame.
The Silent Epidemic: Recognizing and Addressing Shame in Our Lives
Shame is something we all experience, not just those who have experienced trauma in their lives. We feel shame about the parts of ourselves that are most fundamental to who we are, but we don’t really talk about it. Brené tells us that shame derives its power from being unspeakable, and when we ignore it, avoid it, or fail to recognize the role it plays in our lives, it becomes what she refers to as a silent epidemic and sends us into a loop of negative behavior and thinking. I honestly can’t remember the exact first time I felt shame. I guess I’ve always kinda felt it. And I look back on the ways in which I let shame lead me and how it has kept me bound. Shame wanted to sentence me to live a life I’d been given permission to live by my family, my church, my community, etc. For years, I went along with it because the world, especially the part where I live, doesn’t always provide safe spaces for me to move in the ways I am naturally inclined to move. So, I tried to move differently and live the life I was given permission to live until it became too great a burden to bear.
Finding Liberation: Transformative Practices to Break Free from Shame
In my quest to break free from the grip of shame, I discovered transformative practices and resources that helped me regain my sense of self-worth and live a life free from shame’s shackles.
- I started being vulnerable and telling my shame story.
- I made sure what I watched on tv and the music and podcasts I listened to were life-giving.
- I read articles and books that provided healing.
- I went to therapy (if you don’t have a therapist, find one today) where I learned so much.
Two of the biggest things I learned in therapy were to talk to myself like I talk to my friends and self-acceptance. I would never say to my friend “you’re a failure” or “that person would never be interested in you.” Now, when I engage in negative self-talk, I challenge the negative thoughts with evidence that refutes it and flood myself with empathy and self-compassion.
Self-acceptance has really been a biggie. Cleo Wade wrote in her book Heart Talk “Which parts of yourself won’t you let yourself love yet?” I sat with that question for a while and came up with my answers. She went on to say “befriend the ingredients… the spicy, the sweet, the pain, the heartache, the gifts, the shame, and the shine. Fall in love with all of you. Savor yourself.”
So, I did. I embraced the journey of self-discovery and wholeheartedly fell in love with every aspect of myself. I embraced my queerness, even when the church labeled it as an abomination and the community deemed it sickening, recognizing that it is a pure manifestation of my unique magic and exactly how God wanted me. I learned to harness the power of my overthinking, transforming it into a catalyst for creativity in my projects rather than allowing it to trap me in negative spirals. I nurtured my desire to see the good in everyone, allowing it to guide my interactions and relationships. I confronted my fear of failure, understanding that it is a natural part of growth and an opportunity for learning. I also acknowledged and honored my tendency to over-please, finding a balance between caring for others and prioritizing my own well-being. By befriending all these ingredients, the spicy, the sweet, the pain, the heartache, the gifts, the shame, and the shine, I have truly savored and celebrated every aspect of myself.
Unleashing Your Magic: Embracing a Life of Authenticity and Joy
It was a truly liberating experience to realize that nothing about me was a mistake, and that I deserved to be here, to take up space, and to have every good thing in this world I desired. And so do you, friend.
I encourage you to embark on your own journey and discover the beautiful parts of yourself that shame has hidden from you. Ask yourself Cleo’s hard question and then befriend those ingredients. Say no to shame and say yes to living. Say yes to loving. Say yes to being your truest, most authentic self because the world needs your magic.
Grace and peace!
Brian Wesley Harrington
Gifted Minds
Connect with me on IG @_giftedminds or at https://linktr.ee/_giftedminds